Some people have that ability to create something amazing out of the conversations they have. Whether it’s helping someone gain insight over a dilemma, adding a little sunshine to someone’s day or replacing conflict with collaboration. So how do they do this? What skills are they using?

Every conversation you have will fit into one of four different categories:

Type One: Everyone’s happy

In this type of conversation everyone’s happy and no one is focused on any kind of problem/issue/challenge. The opportunity here is to create a deeper level of rapport and understanding. The stronger this is, the better the relationship will work when under pressure. This is also one of the biggest preventers of problems escalating into conflict. It’s also a great platform for creativity and innovation.

Rapport building skills

• Reflective listening
• Shared attention
• Positive intention
• Attending skills

Type Two: You’re happy, but they aren’t

A conversation where you’re helping someone else with a problem they have - possibly a problem they have with you. The opportunity here is to help them get to a better place and potentially iron out any misunderstanding. This builds trust, rapport and also creates a learning situation where both people can understand better how the other views the world.

Helping/Coaching Skills

• Rapport building skills
• Solution focus (leading to a positive agreement)
• Ability to hold back on giving them suggestions, allowing them to develop their own thinking and solutions
• Knowing when and how to offer input (so it doesn’t cause a rash response)
• Emotional Self-Control (if they have a problem with you)

Type Three: You’re unhappy with someone else

A conversation where you have a problem with someone else (possibly the person you are talking to) and yet that person doesn’t see there’s a problem. Again this is an opportunity to iron out any misunderstanding. It can also underline positive expectations and inform others of your perspective whilst preserving the ongoing relationship.

Asserting Your Needs

• Rapport building skills
• Framing your perspective in positive terms
• Asserting your needs with non-violent communication
• Emotional self-control
• Acknowledgement skills (for leaving the conversation on a positive note where it can be picked up again)

Type Four: Conflict Resolution

A conversation where two people have a problem with each other (possibly yourself included). This is the type of conversation where two people can get emotionally hijacked and come to blows. 

The opportunity here – providing at least one person has the right skills – is to avoid heated situations getting worse and actually create a platform from where both people can collaborate on the way forward. Models developed through this approach have literally ended wars, and are also as useful in the home as they are in business.

Conflict Resolution 

• Rapport building skills (especially reflective listening)
• Emotional self-control
• Questions and comments framed to keep the conversation solution focused
• Ability to establish common ground
• Leadership to take the conversation from a ‘values clash’ to ‘needs base’
• Commitment to finding a resolution

As you’ll have noticed, at the heart of every useful conversation is rapport. The greater this is, the greater the opportunities that can come from every conversation. And we can relax too - the human brain is a social brain, very capable of developing, improving and mastering each of these communication skill-sets.

To add a personal opinion, mathematics, geography, history and English are taught as standard in schools, but in most cases communication skills are not. Given that communication is an everyday constant and is central to creating opportunities in life – what world would we create if every child left school having mastered these skills?

© David Savage, http://www.elevatecoaching.co.nz

See the course: Solution Leadership

About the author

David Savage is a Leadership Coach based in Wellington New Zealand. He uses a brain based methodology that fast-tracks learning and development that gives his clients the tools and templates to increase their potential and meet their ambitions. Read about his leadership and communication courses on his website.