While we don’t always have control over the circumstances of our lives, we do have control over how we react to them. Our beliefs shape our thoughts and our thoughts motivate our actions. Building a robust belief in ourselves, in our strengths, and in our ability to take appropriate and effective action will help us weather the storms of life, recover from adversity, and strengthen our ability adapt to change

What is resilience?

Being resilient means being able to bounce back rather than being crushed by life's hardships. It means being able to recover from misfortune, setbacks and loss. However, being resilient does not mean being untouched by adverse circumstances in our lives. Rather, as a friend once said, what it does mean is being able to believe that eventually you will see out the other side despite how you may be feeling now.

It is normal to feel overwhelmed when bad things happen to us. Many people feel sad, scared, lonely or afraid as a result. Others may become irritable, depressed, panicky or anxious after a traumatic event or a prolonged period of stress. It is possible to also experience physical symptoms such as disrupted sleep, poor appetite, headaches, etc.

These are natural reactions: they are part of the process. But, being resilient means that you will recover from these feelings and reactions; regain a sense of balance in your life; and be able to move ahead with a sense of purpose, optimism, and hope for the future. You will not only cope, but you will also recover and thrive again. Trust the process and trust yourself within the process.

Benefits of Resilience

Resilience and other positive emotions have physical benefits - they strengthen and enhance the immune system, giving some protection from the effects of difficult events in our lives. There are also psychological benefits, as being resilient acts as a buffer against the more debilitating effects of trauma and stress.

This does not mean denying the negative responses we have. However, it does mean not remaining immersed in those feelings. Acknowledge your natural responses to life's unpleasant and difficult circumstances. Be aware of your emotions. Don't bottle up or squash down your feelings, but learn to express them in an appropriate and safe way. Allow yourself to grieve the losses and come to terms with what has happened.

Research shows that those who bounce back the quickest

* believe they are capable of handling the situation; that they have some control; and that their actions will make a difference
* take purposeful action and do what they can, drawing on their strengths and courage to face what comes their way
* rely on the support and comfort of others, sharing their feelings appropriately

Strategies for building resilience

Resilience can be learnt and developed with practice. Don't be hard on yourself and expect to be untouched and untroubled by what is happening. Take baby steps. In the end they will get you further and allow you to build your strength and resilience as you slowly move forward.

Build on your strengths and rely on your abilities. Take positive actions where you can and stop fighting the things you can't change. Focus on what can be done and what has already been achieved. Generate possibilities rather than seeing things in terms of black and white. Avoid words such as 'never' and 'always'. The way you describe your situation affects the way you perceive your ability to get through it.

Hang on to your sense of hope. Believe you will get through and that life will be good again. Having faith in a higher power or purpose aids in building a sense of meaning that can nourish us during adverse experiences. Being optimistic and hopeful that the future will be better and that 'this too shall pass' gives us strength to endure and to overcome. 

Don't expect too much of yourself in the midst of hard times. Feed your mind on positive things and avoid activities and people that make you feel worse. Be kind to yourself and savour the 'moments' and delight in the small gifts each day brings. Stay connected - even if you need to limit the amount of time spent with others, do not cut yourself off completely.

A strong sense self-worth and confidence will also help build resilience. A person who accepts themselves is more likely to believe that they are capable of making good choices, taking effective action and being able to regain control of their life.

Build on your successes and strengths 

Ask yourself the following questions:

* what makes me strong?
* what gives me hope?
* what is it that keeps me going?

Choose to believe in yourself and the ultimate goodness of life.
Believe you can and you will bounce back.

About the author

Marian Kerr draws on experience and skills gained through self-employment, team leading, training, journalism and extensive community work to gently communicate her vision of self-acceptance and self-empowerment to clients of all ages.