Receiving the news that your baby will not be born alive is one of the most devastating news parents can receive. Understanding how you can get through that grief, hearing how others have coped and what helped them, can be helpful in the healing journey. Understanding that your reactions to grief are 'normal' and 'just fine' helps to accept the grieving process, embracing it, allowing healing to begin.

When we first came to the realization that our baby girl was not going to be born alive, we went through a myriad of emotions; from disbelief, anger, frustration, deep sadness to utter unfairness! I felt like I was going to get lost and drown in all those emotions. It was so completely overwhelming.
What helped me most during this time, was being able to 'acknowledge and embrace' the grieving process. Being able to accept that these emotions are all perfectly fine; that they are expected in some form or another was actually somewhat calming. Being able to acknowledge, or label the emotion, and then acknowledge the behaviours that I was exhibiting because of these emotions, helped me to accept the grief and move through it more fluidly.
As a couple, and the parents of our baby, supporting each other to get through this time was also incredibly important. One of the best pieces of advice given to us was 'to check in with each other regularly'. Everyone goes through the grief process at different paces. Knowing this helped us in supporting each other. We would regularly check in (and continue to do so now) with "how are you coping with things at the moment?" type questions. These questions help us to actually 'think' about our answer. While 'thinking' of our answer, we are acknowledging our current emotion, allowing it to come freely to our mind and therefore allowing it to pass on. This is helpful to our recovery. Acknowledging our emotions stops us from holding everything in; or bottling everything up, and then 'reacting' inappropriately.

About the author

Nicki Hayward is a Life Coach specializing in supporting parents and family during stillbirth, miscarriage and other newborn deaths. Nicki is a member of SANDS Christchurch. For further information on these services please visit: www.mybabyloss.com