A relationship is something to take care with, protect and nurture. Whether you have been together 5 months or 50 years care should still be taken. Indeed, the longer one has been in the relationship the more complacent one might become and hence nearly imperceptibly drift apart.

Time must be made in the relationship to connect. Intimacy means a close connection. If intimacy suffers, different areas in the relationship will suffer. The couple that was once in love could start seeing itself as boringly married people with no common interests - except perhaps for their children and investments. They might feel trapped in the routines and necessities of every day.

Find that connection and get on the same page!

In a study, by J and S Conway, of factors that held marriages together they found that a commitment to the relationship and keeping the relationship as a high priority, the ability to communicate, resolving conflicts, sexual intimacy, sharing fun and humor, realistic expectations, supporting each other and sharing leadership as well as personal growth were important factors. Good relationships however are a process and require mutual or team effort.

Pointers in constructive communication:

*Avoid verbal or non-verbal sarcasm, insults, threats, bullying or aggression.

*Commit to being constructive and not destructive.

*Talk when calm, even if you have to calm down first.

*Avoid defensive talking and listening - empathy is a good antidote.

*Good listening avoids interruption - show your partner that he/she is being listened to.

*Avoid being judgemental.

*Address the issue at hand together instead of attacking each other over it.

*Making regular time to connect and communicate.

*H Ginott recommended that the best formula for a complaint is XYZ: When X happened or when one's partner did X, you say that it made you feel Y, and that you would rather that your partner do Z instead. Thus use I statements e.g., 'When you didn't call to tell me you were going to be late for our diner appointment, I felt unappreciated and angry. I wish you'd call to let me know you'll be late' instead of 'you are just thoughtless and self-centered!' In this manner the person is not being attacked but the emotions are being communicated and the effect of the behaviour is verbalised.

Suggestions to improve one's relationship:

Respect and love disarm hostility in a relationship. Try and see things from the other's perspective. Take responsibility if you are in the wrong. Find something you appreciate about each other and voice some praise. Refocus on each other. Treat each other in a caring manner. Develop common interests but do allow individual space. Plan for a special and regular time together. Practise constructive communication and conflict resolution. Talking it through and practising the skills in counselling can help you to get unstuck and on your way to connecting.

Reference: Conway J, Conway S. Traits of a Lasting Marriage. 1991

About the author

Petro offers individual counselling/coaching on anxiety, social competence, lifestyle change, self-esteem, career development, goals, motivation, achievement, stress management, and optimal functioning in the workplace. She enjoys relationship, marriage, couples counselling/coaching and has a passion for assisting couples to rebuild their connections. With her Masters degree in clinical Social Work, her main approach is Positive Psychology and Solution Focussed therapy.