I have learned that some things just can’t be resolved. True resolution of anything is very hard to accomplish, in fact full resolution only happens in about 5% of situations. You may think things are resolved, but there may be undercurrents, and unexpressed resentments which will not go away. Have you noticed how we work so hard to resolve problems issues and hassles in our lives, especially around relationships? What were you taught as a child, which compels you to try to make up?

What is it about wanting to "make nice", or "make up" or "be friends" or "sort it out" that empowers us to make ourselves ill about it? What is it really which we are trying to resolve?    

Could it be guilt over our behaviour or what we said? Is it about not wanting people to hate us? Is it that you always want to be seen as "doing the right thing?", or you want justice? Is it based on the limiting belief that everyone must surely want to sort things out? Or is it that you have a sickness for resolving stuff.. even the irresolvable?  What beliefs, limiting or useful perpetuate this need to resolve stuff?  

I came across a great example of this recently, a woman I met was going on and on about how she had a bad relationship with her mother, and how her mother never really loved her, and how her mother never apologised for her behaviour.... You can fill in the blanks.. you get the drift.  Now on asking some useful questions around this, I found out that the woman's mother had died years ago! The guilt, resentment and "irresolvedness" of this situation was still haunting this woman - when the focus of her problem had long passed.

She was using it as some sort of excuse for not being the person she could be.. if only my mother had.. if only we had sorted this out.. It became a blockage, and a huge internally created limitation on future possibilities. 

So how long should a person work on creating a solution?  Well that depends.. depends on how much aggro, sleepless nights, worry, and concern you want to invest in the issue.  Some people sort things out very fast, and others work for years before someone tells then "enough is enough". Some never let it go.

Often we don't see the impact of this obsession to resolve, on our immediate family and friends.  We think it is our problem and will not affect them.. Yeah right!  Remember the presupposition "you cannot not influence. - Everyone gets affected when you have your focus on such a negative issue.

There is a choice you can make to consciously decide to put down the burden, guilt, worry, resentment, chip, or log, and let it go.  Put it in the irresolvable pile, set fire to it, and watch it blow away.  Attaching a type of ritual, or celebration around it can also help.  It takes courage, and it takes fortitude.  This can be a real challenge to people whose metaprogramme leans towards completion! 

Not all things are resolvable, and holding on to hope that it magically will be, can create bitterness, illness, fear and often depression. A decision to let go can make all the difference.  You may need help to take that step.

About the author

Zoe Wilkinson is a Life Coach, NLP Trainer, and NLP Master Practitioner based in Tauranga. Her passion is helping people live more fulfilled, happier, graceful lives. She teaches parenting skills, life skills and personal excellence at night classes, and is the recent recipient of An Exceptional Adult Educator Commendation for 2010. Email : zoew@xtra.co.nz or phone 07-576-0941.